Victim	Batterer
Appropriate Communication	Listening without judgment Expressing concern for victim Stating that there is no excuse for abuse Stating that there is help available Stating that no one deserves to be abused Asking the victim what help she/he needs	Listening without judgment Expressing concern for batterer Stating that there is no excuse for abuse Stating that there is help available Stating that domestic violence is a crime Asking the batterer what help he/she needs
Inappropriate Communication	Telling the victim to leave the abusive relationship Taking role of a counselor Diagnosing or treating problem Asking the victim why she/he didn’t leave, why she/he stayed, why she/he returned, or what she/he did to cause the abuse	Joking with the batterer about abusive behavior or domestic violence in general Blaming the victim for batterer’s behavior Helping batterer maintain contact with victim and/or access information about victim Taking role of counselor Diagnosing or treating problem

Helpful Actions
Knowing how to help someone in an abusive relationship is difficult. Every situation is unique and requires different actions. There are some general guidelines to follow:

• Never tell a victim to leave. This bad advice may put the victim in greater danger. If you think the victim is in a life-threatening situation call 911 or refer her/him to a Domestic Violence Agency.
• Educate yourself about the dynamics of domestic violence. Find a book by going to your local library or read more information at What is Domestic Violence.
• Let the victim know that you care and are willing to listen without judgment.
• Take the victims concerns seriously and encourage her/him to do the same.
• Respect the victim’s decisions regardless of whether you agree with them. If you feel a decision is not safe, let the victim know that you are concerned for her/his safety.
• Encourage and help a victim to perform a lethality assessment and develop her/his safety plan.
• Encourage the victim to seek help from a domestic violence agency. There are services for shelter, counseling, support groups, legal aid, and much more. For referral information on services in your area go to Domestic Violence Agency Links.
• Think carefully about what you are willing and able to help with. If you make a commitment, be sure to follow through. If you have any fears for your own safety do not ignore them. Contact a Domestic Violence Agency immediately to discuss your concerns and safety plan.

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